Hitting the "Reset" Button

Remember, on the old school Nintendo, when you messed up or wanted to start over all you had to do was press the "reset" button and you're back at the beginning to try it over again? Wouldn't it be nice if life had a "reset" button?

My eyes have been opened up to a lot this past week and it's been amazingly intense. I realized that, just like alchohol and drugs, love can be an addiction. It can be an addiction that causes you to make the same mistakes over and over again that end you up in the same situation time after time. I'm seeing these patterns in my own life and I realize that something's gotta change. I heard a quote once and I can't remember who it's by but it said, "Do what you've always done and you'll get what you've always gotten." That is at the forefront of my mind right now.

Changes need to be made. Habits need to be broken. My heart needs to change.

My pastor brought up a good point last Sunday. Going through a change like this and trying to overcome this addiction can be very similar to any other adict trying to get themselves better. There's withdrawls. There's temptation. There are all of these side effects to change and getting away from old habits. Once it was put into that perspective, my mindset changed completely. For the first time, I felt normal. Like I wasn't the only one who ever goes through the things I've been experiencing. I felt grace for the times I slip and fall. I felt patience for the rollercoaster of emotions. All in all, it's put a whole new spin on healing.

So, I'm starting over. I'm hitting my "reset" button, if you will. And I'm going into it knowing that it won't be easy. I think of the movie 28 days and how she struggled to even want to change and get better but once she did, her life was better than she imagined it could be. (I still chuckle at the end of that movie when that poor guy's plant dies. Maybe I should get a plant...it'd be a good start.) Anyway, I wanted to share with you these things because it's been an amazing change in perspective for me and it's been so helpful to have so many people who support and love me through all of this. God is amazing and I know that, in the end, He will have something amazing waiting for me.

There is no real "reset" button in life, but I believe God gives us devine Grace with second chances. He knows we will make mistakes. He knows we are only human. And yet, He loves us enough to give his own life for those very mistakes; to give us the option of hitting His version of the "reset" button. Praise God for that!

Rebuilding With Broken Pieces

"God can heal a broken heart, but he has to have all the pieces." - Unknown

How many of us have been in a situation where we've cried out to God in frustration or heartache and said, "God fix this! Make it stop hurting!", but yet we refrain from giving him all the tools he needs to really heal us completely. We are willing to give up the pieces we are ready to surrender but then there are parts of our wounds that we are so affraid to let go of out of anger, bitterness, hurt, etc.

The issue here is trust. It's gotta start there. It's gotta start with the heart and soul of who we are. We have to grow from the inside out not the outside in. Often we find ourselves in small groups or outreach programs and we feel like we are doing all the right things to help change our lives and be better people. Well it's all empty if we haven't started working on the inside first.

There are so many times I've been let down and lied to and hurt and betrayed and blah blah blah. It's so easy to get caught up in the "poor me" and the negative feelings that boil over with fear and regret. I believe God has so much more for us. I believe he wants to free us from the captivity of these lies. Realizing that I have the power to identify the lies from truth has helped so much. Then learning the importance of replacing the lies with truth. These are all things I'm learning and I think have been extremely helpful during this time.

God is good. I can't say that enough. I'm so excited to see what He is going to do with this season of my life. I have good days and I have bad days. However, I keep my head up and know that there's a bigger picture than the one that's in front of me now. That's something worth holding on to.

Mind Over Matter

I recently picked up the book "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Myers and am amazed at how much it's put things into perspective. It's amazing to start thinking in such a way that we can control our thoughts. That we have a choice to be happy or sad, positive or negative and how the enemy uses that freedom to get what he wants.

First of all, the devil is a liar. He seeps into our thoughts the day we are born and starts feeding us with lies and condemnation throughout our entire lives. We can't control our actions if we don't control our thoughts. If we don't have control of our thoughts, it only gives a foothold for the enemy to subconciously make us feel like we aren't good enough, like we don't measure up.

Recently, a friend of mine told me that he was praying for me and got an image of a character from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. (Yes, even I feel a bit odd talking about Jesus and Monty Python in the same paragraph.) He had an image of the knight who kept getting limbs cut off and coming back for more. "It's just a flesh wound!" "Come back and I'll bite your legs off!" Seriously though, he felt like God was revealing to me that I am trying to take all these things on myself. I'm trying to be "strong" and perservere. Well no one can perservere in isolation. I have a hard time asking for help, especially when I feel that I have nothing to give in return. I'm learning that, as the body of Christ, we are here to help each other and build eachother up, no matter what we get in return. I'm learning that, rather than isolating myself and trying to take it all on myself, I need to get out of my comfort zone and let people help me. I need to let God help me.

Habakkuk 3:19 says; "...walk and make progress upon my high places!" It says to walk. Not run. I think, sometimes, it's easy for us to want to hurry through healing and growth because we are so eagre for the outcome. This humbled me in a way that made me realize that there is a reason these things take time. In this book it says, "pride is the "beast" that will consume us if we recieve too much freedom too quickly." It then goes on to say, "That way, we appreciate our freedom more; we realize it is truly a gift from God and not something we can make happen in our own strength."

I remember my father used to always say, "Argue for your weakness and it's yours." I used to hate it when he said that. It is so true though. We can sit and go on about how horrible things are and how nothing goes our way and blah blah blah, but the more you think it, the more it will come to be. Throughout the first few chapters, the book refers back to Proverbs 23 that says, "for as he thinks in his heart, so is he..." The kind of life we lead reflects the way we think. If we think negatively, our lives will be negative. If we think positively, we will be able to have a positive outlook on whatever comes our way.

Overdue Update

For those of you who have kept up, you know that things have gone down hill rather quickly since the new year. For those of you who are out of the loop, I apologize for not keeping you posted.

I am no longer engaged to be married. This came after a lot of prayer and counsel. It has been a roller coaster, as these things usually are, and I'm trying my best to cope and learn from all of this.

God is good. We all know this...or at least I hope you do. It's times like these that make it so hard to understand why we end up in unhealthy situations. We start questioning ourselves and the lives that we lead. The enemy slowly seeps in and runs away with the "what if's" and the "why's".

I am so, so, blessed to have such an amazing support system, church family, and friends. Without them, this would be a much heavier load to bear. As I've been dealing with the different parts of heartache, dissapointment, and doubt, it's been comforting to have people constantly bringing me back to what's important.

I rely on people for things that only God can fix. I'm realizing this now. I know that all things are possible through God who strengthens me and it's to Him that I look for my strength. Every day is a new day and "joy comes with the morning". Praise God for that!

I hope you all are well. I will keep you posted and write more soon...I promise.

Lessons Learned

At the beginning of every year, we tend to look back on the year past and reflect the ways we've changed, the things we've learned, and what lies ahead. 2007 was a year of change for me. God has done so much in my heart and I still can't believe how far I've come.

There are two things that come to mind when I think of the lessons learned in 2007. The first thing is; things never turn out like you planned. We all make plans. We all try to keep our lives in order. And then reality gets in the way. We end up with anxiety when things don't go right. We have to change OUR plans because of something someone else did. When, in the grand scheme of things, it was never OUR plan to begin with. When we take a step back and realize that God is in control and that whatever happens, He will make the best of it for our situation, we start to find a peace we never knew existed. There are people in our lives that let us down. That is inevitable. There are events that occur unexpectedly that cause our lives to go in a downward spiral. It's hard to understand why these things happen. I find peace, however, in knowing that God IS in control and everything happens according to his divine plan.

The second thing is this: things aren't always what they seem. We are trusting people, for the most part. We want to believe what people tell us. We want to believe that the amazing friend we just met will be around forever. There are people out there that will tell you what you want to hear. They will wow you with their knowledge and wisdom. They inspire you with their faith. However, there are wolves in sheep's clothing among us. There are people that let us down and don't live up to what they portray. Don't get me wrong. There are a lot of legit, good people out there. I have just learned that just because someone says they are a Christian, doesn't necessarily mean they are a follower of Christ. Just because someone says they know you, doesn't mean they know what's best for you. Just because someone says they love you and they care about you, doesn't mean they feel that way unconditionally.

My eyes have been opened to a lot this past year and I go forward with a thankful heart. I can't wait for what 2008 has to bring. God is SO good and I've seen Him work in so many amazing ways this past year. As I continue to learn and grow, I stand humbled by all the things I've been blessed with and how compassionate our God really is.

Happy New Year everyone! I hope it's a good one!

New Chapter

Wow it's been a while since I've posted on here. I wonder if anyone even checks it anymore. Haha. Anyway, I felt it was appropriate that I write and update everyone on everything.

The biggest news...I've decided to move back to Colorado. This has been a tough decision to make as I have such an amazing church family and I have grown so much since I've been here. It's hard to close the door on such a fulfilling chapter. I am so greatful for all the people who have been teachers and mentors. I'm so greatful for all the people who have been friends. I'm so greatful for all the people who have listened to me and let me mentor. I sit here extremely humbled and it will be very hard to leave.

Sean and I will be working with the youth at the Vineyard there. They are just starting up so it will be fun to watch it grow.

I have been so blessed to have such an amazing man in my life. In the short time Sean and I have known each other, we've had some really good times but we've had struggles as well. There are times that he's stuck around when other people walk away. There are times, when I don't think I would be able to live with me if I were him...and it's then that he turns to me and reminds me how much he loves me. Grace. What an amazing thing that is. I'm blown away by the blessings in my life and the way that Sean accepts me for who I am...good and bad. Nobody's perfect. Sometimes I feel like we need to remind ourselves of that. So many people try so hard to be what it is that someone else wants us to be that we end up more delusional and crazed than we would have been had we just decided to be ourselves.

I'm starting a new chapter in my life. As God continues to write my story, I give Him the pen and watch as the pages unfold. He is the lover of my soul and the author of my life. I pray that God would continue to mold me and use me and create opportunities for me to serve. Thank you all, for your continued support and prayer. I couldn't be where I am today, if it weren't for you.

Better Than

Yes, yes, I know, another song. I heard this the other day and wrote down the verse because it struck me. I looked it up and the "song meanings" site came up. I read through the lyrics, even more moved than before, and then started reading what other people's takes on it are. Some good stuff! Here's the song and then below are a few things people had to say about it. Pretty powerful and true stuff. Totally met me where I'm at right now. It's good to be reminded that "its just all about how to stop looking for something better because you'll never find it and only waste what you already have" and "the grass is greener, but just as hard to grow."

Better Than

All you want is
What you can't have and if ya'
Just look around man
You'll see you got magic

So just, sit back and relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't, look back on life man
And only see tragic because

Chorus:
You can be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than that
Life's not about what's better than

You can be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than that
Life's not about what's better

All the time while ya' lookin' away
There are, things you can do man
There's things you can say
Unto the, the ones your with
With whom you're spending the day
Get your, gaze off tomorrow
And come on and maybe, because

Chorus

Oh, I know, sometimes
Things can be hard
But you should know, by now
They come and they go so why
Oh why do I
Look to the other side, 'cause I know
The grass is greener
But, just as hard to grow
Life's not about what's better than

All you want is
What you can't have
And if ya' just look around man
You'll see you got magic

So just, sit back and relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't, look back on life man
And only see tragic because

- John Butler Trio

REVIEWS:

by Skepsis on 03-30-2007 @ 12:12:52 AM

This song is about the illusion of the grass being greener on the other side. Well I think John is trying to say that this doesn't have to be true. Just live and feel and realize that the grass isn't always greener. As long as you've got food, clean water, and shelter you're better than.

by jemmalee on 04-12-2007 @ 09:11:09 AM Well i agree with SKepsis but i take this song as about being in a relationship and always looking around for other things better oppertunities...and taking waht you have for granted (All you want is What you can't have) If you keep looking for new and better stuff you will lose what you already have ..(Enjoy it while you still have it) (All the time while ya' lookin' away There are, things you can do man There's things you can say) As if not to take what you have for granted because the time your spending looking around your ruining what you do have.. really i think its just all about how to stop looking for something better because youll never find it and only waste what you already have..... anyways not sure if im right and this is my first comment...but thats just how i take it.... great song tho!

by rela119 on 06-05-2007 @ 12:38:53 AM I really like this song, the lyrics are good and i love the instrumentals in it as well. this song is just about appreciating what you have, not wasting your life away concerning yourself with things you don't have.

by THNDR on 06-07-2007 @ 10:16:35 PM Find the value in the small. Don't go on checking what you DONT have, go on checking what you DO have. And be satisfied with it, cos it could be worse.

by NickPJ on 06-19-2007 @ 01:48:25 PM

Well I was at Bonnaroo this past weekend and saw the greatness that is John Butler Trio and he happened to explain this song. He said it is about going out to get that one thing like a new car or that new stereo for that car and thinking once you get it everything will be ok. Then once you get it you realize it's not good enough so you have to get that next big thing like a new big TV or something and he is singing about how it is an illness and everyone can be better then their material possessions. Kinda reminds me of Diamonds On The Inside by Ben Harper about how what you have doesn't really mean anything. Life should be about your friends, family and having a fun time.