Something Heavenly

This pretty much sums up what's going on in my life right now. Every word.

Something Heavenly

It's time for healing time to move on

It's time to fix what's been broken too long

Time make right what has been wrong

It's time to find my way to where I belong

There's a wave that's crashing over me

And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace

It's hard to surrender to what I can't see

but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone

Time to begin again

Reevaluate who I really am

Am I doing everything to follow Your will

Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills

So show me what it is

You want from me

I give everything I surrender...

To...

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time to face up

Clean this old house

Time to breathe in and let everything out

That I've wanted to say for so many years

Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but I believe

You're up to something bigger than me

Larger than life something Heavenly

It's time to face up

Clean this old house

Time breathe in and let everything out

- Sanctus Real

Know Hope

I went back to Windsor today. We started by going to an industrial area by the park to load up debris and take it to the dump. It's amazing the things you find when cleaning up debree. I found a barbie swimming pool that I'm sure one little girl will miss. I also found the jaw bone of a cow with the teeth still in tact. Eeeeew right?! It was interesting. So we headed to the dump...which is always a fun experience.

After we returned to the church, we went to a big event in the middle of the town. They had a HUGE silent auction, music, food, drinks, etc. It was all for the victims and the volunteers. They were able to raise a lot of money and part of it will be sent to Iowa to help the victims there. It was amazing to think how badly these people need this money and yet they are going to give part of it to others who are dealing with the same devistation that they are. I am realizing more and more how great of a town Windsor is. The people in this town are so selfless....well, the ones I've met anyway.

After lunch, we headed back out to help out a family from the church who lived near the area that was hit. When we got there, they didn't need much help so we decided to park the car and walk the streets. We met a lady who gladly took our offer to help. She had several men who were pulling up what was left of her trees but she needed help putting the dirt back, cleaning out the debris, and smoothing it all out. During the time we were helping her, I was able to talk to her about her experience and how she's holding up. She said that she feels so overwhelmingly blessed for all the people that have been helping her. She also said that she has been dissapointed because her co-workers haven't been very supportive and act like it's no big deal. She said that the volunteers have been more supportive than some of her friends have been.

It was really great to be able to serve this woman and talk to her and just really see how this town is coming together. There are so many homes that have the words "Thank You" painted on them. One even said "Thank You Lord". I keep expecting to meet people who are angry at God or angry that they have no home and it's been just the opposite. These people are just greatful to be alive.

I am truly humbled and I learned a lot from these people. I'm going to bed now with a sun burn and a full heart because I know I made the most of today.

Words can't describe...

(Notice the roof that completely came off but is still on the house and moved quite a bit.)

Today I went to Windsor with the Fort Collins and the Windsor Vineyard to help with the outreach/relief efforts. I realize I'm a bit nieve when I say this, but I've never seen anything so devistating in my life. As we were walking the streets it was amazing to hear the stories of how people survived, how they were coping, and what they are going to do. We were able to clean up some of the yards. All of the houses, yards, bushes, cars, etc. were litterally covered in shredded insulation. It looked like someone drove down the streets and just sprayed large ammounts of cotton candy everywhere. We were picking up shingles in a man's back yard and he said, "as far as I'm concerned you can take the whole roof. I'm gonna have to replace it anyway." At least he had a sense of humor about it I guess. Other people weren't so lighthearted about the situation. The last stretch of our day was spent walking down a street that was more damaged than any other street we'd been on that day. None of us knew what to say. We just kept walking and asking people what we could do to help. We happened to be walking by this house:

when the homeowner was there. She was devistated. If you look beyond the debris to the left you'll notice all that's left is the wall of her kitchen. She said, "I'm never coming back." It made me want to cry. I can't even imagine what these people are going through.

This has really opened my eyes and made me thankful for all the things I have. It makes me thankful for the little things that we so often take for granted. Things like the roof over our heads...litterally, being able to sleep in our own beds every night, having a kitchen to cook in, a living room to sit in, a bathroom to bathe in, etc. I found myself thanking God a lot today.

My heart, thoughts, and prayers go out to these people in Windsor.

Hitting the "Reset" Button

Remember, on the old school Nintendo, when you messed up or wanted to start over all you had to do was press the "reset" button and you're back at the beginning to try it over again? Wouldn't it be nice if life had a "reset" button?

My eyes have been opened up to a lot this past week and it's been amazingly intense. I realized that, just like alchohol and drugs, love can be an addiction. It can be an addiction that causes you to make the same mistakes over and over again that end you up in the same situation time after time. I'm seeing these patterns in my own life and I realize that something's gotta change. I heard a quote once and I can't remember who it's by but it said, "Do what you've always done and you'll get what you've always gotten." That is at the forefront of my mind right now.

Changes need to be made. Habits need to be broken. My heart needs to change.

My pastor brought up a good point last Sunday. Going through a change like this and trying to overcome this addiction can be very similar to any other adict trying to get themselves better. There's withdrawls. There's temptation. There are all of these side effects to change and getting away from old habits. Once it was put into that perspective, my mindset changed completely. For the first time, I felt normal. Like I wasn't the only one who ever goes through the things I've been experiencing. I felt grace for the times I slip and fall. I felt patience for the rollercoaster of emotions. All in all, it's put a whole new spin on healing.

So, I'm starting over. I'm hitting my "reset" button, if you will. And I'm going into it knowing that it won't be easy. I think of the movie 28 days and how she struggled to even want to change and get better but once she did, her life was better than she imagined it could be. (I still chuckle at the end of that movie when that poor guy's plant dies. Maybe I should get a plant...it'd be a good start.) Anyway, I wanted to share with you these things because it's been an amazing change in perspective for me and it's been so helpful to have so many people who support and love me through all of this. God is amazing and I know that, in the end, He will have something amazing waiting for me.

There is no real "reset" button in life, but I believe God gives us devine Grace with second chances. He knows we will make mistakes. He knows we are only human. And yet, He loves us enough to give his own life for those very mistakes; to give us the option of hitting His version of the "reset" button. Praise God for that!

Rebuilding With Broken Pieces

"God can heal a broken heart, but he has to have all the pieces." - Unknown

How many of us have been in a situation where we've cried out to God in frustration or heartache and said, "God fix this! Make it stop hurting!", but yet we refrain from giving him all the tools he needs to really heal us completely. We are willing to give up the pieces we are ready to surrender but then there are parts of our wounds that we are so affraid to let go of out of anger, bitterness, hurt, etc.

The issue here is trust. It's gotta start there. It's gotta start with the heart and soul of who we are. We have to grow from the inside out not the outside in. Often we find ourselves in small groups or outreach programs and we feel like we are doing all the right things to help change our lives and be better people. Well it's all empty if we haven't started working on the inside first.

There are so many times I've been let down and lied to and hurt and betrayed and blah blah blah. It's so easy to get caught up in the "poor me" and the negative feelings that boil over with fear and regret. I believe God has so much more for us. I believe he wants to free us from the captivity of these lies. Realizing that I have the power to identify the lies from truth has helped so much. Then learning the importance of replacing the lies with truth. These are all things I'm learning and I think have been extremely helpful during this time.

God is good. I can't say that enough. I'm so excited to see what He is going to do with this season of my life. I have good days and I have bad days. However, I keep my head up and know that there's a bigger picture than the one that's in front of me now. That's something worth holding on to.

Mind Over Matter

I recently picked up the book "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Myers and am amazed at how much it's put things into perspective. It's amazing to start thinking in such a way that we can control our thoughts. That we have a choice to be happy or sad, positive or negative and how the enemy uses that freedom to get what he wants.

First of all, the devil is a liar. He seeps into our thoughts the day we are born and starts feeding us with lies and condemnation throughout our entire lives. We can't control our actions if we don't control our thoughts. If we don't have control of our thoughts, it only gives a foothold for the enemy to subconciously make us feel like we aren't good enough, like we don't measure up.

Recently, a friend of mine told me that he was praying for me and got an image of a character from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. (Yes, even I feel a bit odd talking about Jesus and Monty Python in the same paragraph.) He had an image of the knight who kept getting limbs cut off and coming back for more. "It's just a flesh wound!" "Come back and I'll bite your legs off!" Seriously though, he felt like God was revealing to me that I am trying to take all these things on myself. I'm trying to be "strong" and perservere. Well no one can perservere in isolation. I have a hard time asking for help, especially when I feel that I have nothing to give in return. I'm learning that, as the body of Christ, we are here to help each other and build eachother up, no matter what we get in return. I'm learning that, rather than isolating myself and trying to take it all on myself, I need to get out of my comfort zone and let people help me. I need to let God help me.

Habakkuk 3:19 says; "...walk and make progress upon my high places!" It says to walk. Not run. I think, sometimes, it's easy for us to want to hurry through healing and growth because we are so eagre for the outcome. This humbled me in a way that made me realize that there is a reason these things take time. In this book it says, "pride is the "beast" that will consume us if we recieve too much freedom too quickly." It then goes on to say, "That way, we appreciate our freedom more; we realize it is truly a gift from God and not something we can make happen in our own strength."

I remember my father used to always say, "Argue for your weakness and it's yours." I used to hate it when he said that. It is so true though. We can sit and go on about how horrible things are and how nothing goes our way and blah blah blah, but the more you think it, the more it will come to be. Throughout the first few chapters, the book refers back to Proverbs 23 that says, "for as he thinks in his heart, so is he..." The kind of life we lead reflects the way we think. If we think negatively, our lives will be negative. If we think positively, we will be able to have a positive outlook on whatever comes our way.

Overdue Update

For those of you who have kept up, you know that things have gone down hill rather quickly since the new year. For those of you who are out of the loop, I apologize for not keeping you posted.

I am no longer engaged to be married. This came after a lot of prayer and counsel. It has been a roller coaster, as these things usually are, and I'm trying my best to cope and learn from all of this.

God is good. We all know this...or at least I hope you do. It's times like these that make it so hard to understand why we end up in unhealthy situations. We start questioning ourselves and the lives that we lead. The enemy slowly seeps in and runs away with the "what if's" and the "why's".

I am so, so, blessed to have such an amazing support system, church family, and friends. Without them, this would be a much heavier load to bear. As I've been dealing with the different parts of heartache, dissapointment, and doubt, it's been comforting to have people constantly bringing me back to what's important.

I rely on people for things that only God can fix. I'm realizing this now. I know that all things are possible through God who strengthens me and it's to Him that I look for my strength. Every day is a new day and "joy comes with the morning". Praise God for that!

I hope you all are well. I will keep you posted and write more soon...I promise.